A message to my brother
It’s been 15 years. 15 years since you left us. When I think about what’s happened in these past years I can’t even begin to think how different things would be if you were still here. The type of man you would have been. I was told you looked like me. I wonder if you would now. If we’d be close. If you would have been a science geek like me. Or maybe you’d be into comic books and video games but run around breaking hearts. I wonder what your smile would have been like. Big and cheeky like me and mom or thin and suspicious like dad. I wonder what your voice would sound like. And if you’d be a giant pain in my ass, which being a teenage boy I’m sure you would be. But most of all I think about how I was robbed the experience of ever getting to know you. Watch you grow. Laugh. Become the man our parents envisioned you to be. Mom changed after you. Hell they both did, but no one hurt like her. You destroyed her. She had been losing herself slowly for a long time, you just helped to push her towards the edge. Maybe you could have saved her. Maybe she was already beyond saving. Maybe that’s why we lost you. We weren’t fit for your greatness. We were a cloud of not so secret misery destined for destruction. It wouldn’t have been fair to bring you into that world full of pain. A new life. Filled with hope and love and warmth. You deserved better then us. I need you to know, wherever it is that you are, that I love you. I may not visit you often, and sometimes I may find it hard to muster up the courage to even say your name, but I love you. I will always think of you every time I see Lilly’s. I will think of you Sunday as I watch our sister graduate high school knowing you should be there with me. I will always think of you. You are missed every day. But I suppose I don’t have to miss you. You’re here with me in spirit. Keep looking out for me. Even if you’re only a punk ass kid, I could use someone in my corner every once and awhile. Happy birthday Jordan. Rest easy.